Finding Our Lesson In Our Struggle

Read time: 4 mins

Quote of the Week:

“Love everyone and tell the truth.” - Neem Karoli Baba

In this week's dose, I share the hardest challenge I've been through to date. 

The last few months have been trying. I’m challenged to tell more of the truth. To share the things I still deal with and how I work through them.

In August I sent a letter to 11 people sharing how I’d been struggling in ways I hadn’t yet faced.

I found myself feeling incredibly apathetic in about every area of life. Things like eating clean, pushing myself in the gym, training hard, going deeper in meditation, doing breathwork, taking long “think” walks, hanging out with friends, getting quality sleep, and waking up early… all ceased to matter to me.

I’ve been diligent and disciplined for as long as I can remember. My mom recently shared with me that my parents never had to push me with sports as a kid - I was always so driven.

So this 2-3 month period was challenging and frustrating. The mechanism I’d relied on to get me through difficulties - discipline - felt like it went off-line. Normally, if I’m facing an obstacle I’d do a combo of things like workout, write, meditate, chat with a friend, contemplation… but I wanted no part of any of that. And it was like my discipline bone was broken and I started to slip deeper and deeper.

Then I began having thoughts of ending my life. Thoughts that were slowly building in frequency and intensity over that period. I sensed I didn’t really feel that way deep down, yet it felt like I was on a wild ride and all I could do was surrender to whatever lesson was baked in.

Honestly, the letter I wrote was more for me. As much as I try to be open and share the reality of my experience, there are still ways I keep myself closed off. I’m aware of it, I’ve made tons of progress, but it’s still there.

I try my best to zoom out as far as I can. And remember that the pain I’ve gone through has led me to where I’m at now. It’s helped me learn the lessons I need to learn so that I can help men heal along their own journey.

A few weeks ago, I was feeling so down that I took a cannabis gummy (something I’d recently gone a year without) to bring some reprieve from the heavy thoughts of how much easier it’d be to end it all. I know it isn’t a solution, but I felt like I needed some breathing room.

I hopped in the shower and it hit me… I was just going through my next big lesson. That I was being given my biggest test yet and when I got through it, I’d be able to help more people at an even deeper level. But also that I needed to open my eyes and view it as such, and stop feeling sorry for myself to stop spiraling. It was an insight that said, “Imagine how much you will grow going through this.” It made me chuckle.

While I notice imposter syndrome thoughts that say “how can you coach men if you are going through this”, I’m reminded by Ram Dass that we don’t wait until we’re enlightened or perfect before we serve others.

We do the best we can with what we have right now. We continue to show up for others and we continue to work on ourselves. Because what else is there to do?

Sharing that letter acted like I hit the release valve. I wasn’t really looking for answers from others, I simply needed to stop trying to carry everything by myself.

To stop hiding the reality of my human experience. I’ve come out of this with what feels like much wider and deeper roots. Things I had been concerned about, mean virtually nothing to me - I find myself laughing now at those former concerns. My commitment to this path has deepened, and my motive for enlightenment has become more clear.

It was a call for me to reevaluate a few areas of my life, my motives for my business, my commitment to serving others, and my love for myself.

I feel a deeper connection to the men I work with now. I’m reminded that I too am very much in the work alongside the men in my community.

I don’t have all the answers. But I feel more driven than ever to find them.

Starting with a quiet mind and an open heart.