The 53-Mile Walk Of Surrender

QOTW

"The soul always knows what to do to heal itself. The challenge is to silence the mind." — Caroline Myss

This part of my walk across the country has had its challenges. 

A 94-mile stretch in the Mojave Desert with zero stops or gas stations. 

Hot weather. Minimal places for lodging.
Hard to get to BLM land for legal camping.

Grocery stores are few and far between, so I've had to rely on ultra-processed food from Dollar General (these seem to be in every town along with Napa Auto Parts).

My body has adapted very well, but it also misses real food.

On day 19, I had 53 miles from the Westward Inn motel in Salome to my VRBO in Congress. And in between, there was a lot of privately owned land (meaning not much public land for camping) and an old RV park that isn’t open to the public anymore.

When I started the day, I had 2 options:

First, walk 20 miles to the RV park and see if they would let me set up camp somewhere.

Second, walk 34 miles to a tiny pocket of BLM land I saw using the OnX app, unsure if it was fenced off.

It was the first day where I truly had no clue where I’d sleep, but I was committed to surrendering to allow things to unfold.

My personal goal for this whole walk started out as self-discovery and surrender (to a higher power, universe, God, etc). What I quickly realized, was that I would dive into the deepest depths of self-discovery THROUGH surrender. Spending hours on the road constantly working to build my faith with each step. Seeing if I could surrender and put faith in God to take care of every single thing I needed (quick note: it has been remarkable and dare I say, miraculous, to see this unfold). I thought if this truly worked, I would have no choice but to believe.

I should add that this faith stuff is all fairly new to me. Even 12 months ago I wouldn’t have believed I’d be taking this approach. But with my mental health, I’ve tried everything from holistic health practices, biohacking, therapy, coaching, psychedelics, retreats, sweat lodges, etc… 

You name it, I’ve tried it.
But I had never tried God.

And what’s interesting is I’ve felt so cracked open and raw in recent years - exhausted from constantly trying to “heal/fix” myself - that I find surrendering easy at times. Because what do I have to lose? Everything else was so hard and this was so much easier. I just had to constantly surrender my fear and trust. I had daily thoughts of ending my own life for 4 months last year. The least I could do is go all in and see what happens.

All my favorite teachers, authors, gurus, and wise sages throughout history talk about God, universal flow, quantum energy, Tao… they all knew it. Why did I resist it so much?

I’m not keen on religion (I don’t like rules, I prefer to follow my heart), but spirituality has been a big practice of mine for 5 years. Plus, I love taking bits and pieces from all different teachings - keeping what works for me, ditching what doesn’t.

So back to day 19… 

As I was 16 miles in, my body and my mind still felt completely dialed in and focused. I was marching at a great pace and felt more laser-focused than I’ve been during the last 3 weeks. But I didn’t feel a positive gut feeling about the RV park being *my* spot. It wasn’t a negative feeling, but it just didn’t feel like this was it and I didn’t feel great about the BLM land at 34 miles.

So I started saying out loud “I’m trusting and surrendering to you fully. You have my faith. Tell me what to do and I’ll do it. You tell me. You tell me. You tell me…” and I repeated those 3 words for a while.

Next, I felt a rush of energy come over my body with the accompanying thought “Go all the way.”

Wait, go all the way? Like, go 38 more miles to Congress (my VRBO)!? I mean, sure we could, but that’s 23 miles further than I’ve ever walked.

But the energy in my body was vibrating with incredible intensity. I thought “Fuck it, let’s do it. If that’s the way, let’s GO. We’re not here to take it easy and stay in our comfort zone.”

Over the next 38 miles, I’d go through waves of realizations and breakthroughs mentally. I cried about 6 different times - not from sadness, but from moments of “Holy shit, I can’t believe God has me on this path.

Who would’ve thought I’d be here?

If this is where he put me, he obviously believes I’m way more capable than I think I am.” And for the next 8 hours, I felt so supported - like I was being guided, protected, and fueled.

Craziest part of all this? 

I took 0 rest stops outside of refilling my water reservoir in my vest. Normally, I stop every 90-120 minutes. But on the longest walk of my life, I stayed locked in and just kept stepping. I didn’t hit a wall physically until mile 49.

From 9pm to 10pm in the desert night, I limped my way to the endpoint with the most incredible and encouraging self-talk I’ve ever experienced in my life. I almost couldn’t believe it.

Repeating “You got this. You’re DOING this. Let’s go. We don’t quit. We don’t run when things get hard. You got this.”

Like many of us, I’ve struggled with seeing myself in a positive light. Struggled to feel like I mattered, to like myself, or to think I was worth much of anything. And there were moments on this walk where I had been head-down, marching along for hours and it would hit me clear as day “Can’t you see how amazing you are? Can’t you see how strong you are? Can’t you now see how much you matter?” and I’d start sobbing.

I’d think, holy crap I can do anything. Anything is possible through faith.

Big challenges like this have a way of stripping away our thinking mind and allowing the core of us (our true Self) to speak. It’s similar to what I’ve experienced in breathwork sessions, sweat lodge ceremonies, or plant medicine ceremonies. It creates a space where truth comes to the surface and gets shoved right in your face in the most life-changing, beautiful way.

This walk and the support and encouragement I receive every day are making it very hard for the voice in my head that says “I don’t matter” to stick around.

Onward. 

🖤