🤬 Pillar 3/4: Unlock Emotional Mastery

Read time: 5 mins 

In this week’s dose, I dive into my third pillar of wellness: Emotional.

🗣️ Quote of the Week:

"Your visions will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes." - Carl Jung

🧘‍♂️ The 3rd Pillar: Emotional

The Four Pillars Of Wellness:

Week 1: Physical
Week 2: Mental
👉 Week 3: Emotional
Week 4: Spiritual


Emotional well-being is hard.

How do I take care of something I barely understand?

How do I start exploring something that itself feels overwhelming?

How do I admit that I feel when I’ve been pretending my whole life I don’t?

How can I get a grip on something I was told to bury my whole childhood?

Humans are feeling beings.

We all feel deeply.

Whether or not we’re ready to admit that to other humans is another story…

We’re irrational and unpredictable.

We love to believe we’re logical, but logic is the final coat of paint that makes us feel good about our decisions (life always comes back to feelings).

Every decision we make is made with emotion, justified by logic.

This is why it’s critical to not only understand your emotions but to become a master of emotional regulation.

Emotional regulation is learning to respond instead of react.

It’s NOT burying or numbing uncomfortable feelings.

It’s not adopting the David Goggins “can’t hurt me, don’t be a bitch” mindset to live by - though, I do feel that has a place and time.

It’s learning to embrace, accept, and work with emotions so we can feel more in control, free, and at ease.

A lack of emotional regulation doesn’t mean we behave like petulant children either.

It’s more subtle than that.

It looks more like procrastination, avoiding hard conversations, binge eating, using alcohol to numb, self-isolation, etc.

It can feel like fear, anxiety, stress, burnout, worry, or “never enough-ness”.

I come back to my 3 main steps for change: awareness, intention, & action.

We have to first develop the muscle of self-awareness before we can change anything.

We have to put on our Indian Jones hat and EXPLORE our emotions with curiosity and a pinch of determination.

We have to learn about ourselves intimately. I believe this is a big reason why we’re here on Earth.

To constantly evolve and overcome our internal constraints. Simple.

It’s foreign at first, but the way to do this is to view emotions as just signals from the body.

To be inquisitive, curious, and childlike in our quest to learn what we’re feeling, why we’re feeling it, and what it’s trying to tell us.

And to not tie any meaning to the emotions we feel.

To feel “sadness” and not add…

“I don’t want to feel sad. I feel bad that I feel sad. I’m embarrassed I feel sad. I’m angry I feel sad.”

Of course, these aren’t conscious thoughts, but they create second waves of unnecessary suffering on top of the original wave of "sadness”.

And it helps to label them as just that → an emotion.

This allows us to separate ourselves from the emotion and see it objectively. Once we begin to view emotions objectively, they hold less power over us.

They don’t sweep us away.

They become less daunting.

We no longer run from them at all costs.

Instead of checking out and getting buzzed every night while the kids are playing on the floor, we can finally be present & engaged.

All by learning to regulate emotions.

And learning to accept emotions allows us to avoid all the extra pain that comes with the self-judgment we place on ourselves for doing what we were born to do in the first place... FEEL.

It’s life-changing.

Let’s dive in.

Pillar 3: Emotional

• Focus: Self-awareness, self-love, emotional intelligence (EQ), emotional regulation, stress management, presence
• Actions: Mindfulness practices, EQ development, stress-reduction techniques, exploring our triggers (this one is the hardest IMO)
• Goal: To regulate emotions, manage stress effectively, be present in every moment, show empathy & compassion for others, minimize triggers, respond instead of react

My playbook:

Journaling (3-part flow)

I’ve shared this before, but I can’t emphasize writing enough, especially for men who have never written/journaled before. This changed my life.

1. Check-in. I tune in to how I’m feeling physically, emotionally, and/or mentally.

• How am I feeling?
• Where do I feel it in my body?
• What is my opportunity here?
• How is this teaching me?
• I’m not trying to judge or fix anything either. This is my opportunity to be present and aware of what is.

2. One thing I’m grateful for.

• Gratitude is one of the most powerful feelings we can generate.
• But our mind comes pre-wired to focus on everything we lack, so we have to be intentional to override that. Gratitude REWIRES our mind to notice all the amazingness in our lives.
• Where our mind goes our attention & energy follow. The more we THINK about the good, the more we NOTICE the good around us. Which means it works in the opposite direction too, so I need to be intentional and consistent here.

3. Set an intention.

• I do visualize WHAT I want to get done, but that’s not the most important part.
• It’s HOW do I want to show up today?
• How can I embody a better version of myself while I work out, write content, or coach clients?
• Be present, kind, confident, lead by example, in service to others, with love. The KEY here is to FEEL these things in the moment, not just think them - this is critical to creating results.

I carry these intentions into my meditation to reaffirm and double down on them.

30-60 mins of meditation every morning

• This is the most important thing I do every day. I see this as my anchor and is more important than checking emails, writing content, eating food, getting back to a client, etc. Ever since I’ve stated this is my number 1 thing, I always do it.
• My practice includes scanning my body from toes-to-head, spreading my awareness 360 degrees into the space around me, invoking my understanding of love/gratitude, and visualization how I want show up each day.
• I most commonly visualize being calm, present, confident, kind, and to lead by example. These provide a very clear trail for me to follow - meaning, I know exactly what it feels like to embody them.
  
  

Emotional intelligence (EQ) development

• I’ve worked with coaches, therapists, & former monks.
• I’ve listened to thousands of hours of interviews and read hundreds of books… These can be great guides, but nothing replaces going inward and doing THE WORK to explore my triggers, needs, and attachments.
• I won’t sugarcoat it, this is hard work. But the more I go inward and seek to understand myself, the more I’m able to connect with others.
• The more empathy, patience, and compassion I find myself having toward every single person.
• This translates to better conversations, patience, less triggers, & deeper connection. And if you have a business where you work directly with clients, this is a game changer.
  
  

Viewing emotions as a part of me (not the whole thing)

• I’ve worked hard to learn to view emotions as just a part of me.
• Instead of thinking “I’m sad” or “I’m angry” I use a subtle shift to say “a part of me is angry” or “a part of me is upset”. It sounds like an inconsequential change, but what it does is create a little SPACE between me and the emotion. In that space, I’m able to view the emotion more objectively and respond instead of react.
• It limits the emotion’s ability to overwhelm me which would normally cause me to act in a way that isn’t aligned with how I want to behave.
• This allows me to have compassion for myself and avoid the second wave of criticism, judgment, shame, or guilt because I recognize it’s just an emotion - it’s not a knock on me as a human.

Example: Have you ever felt angry and said something you later regretted? Have you snapped in the moment and shortly after you think “I don’t know what got over me, I didn’t mean it”?

That’s because you were blended and overwhelmed by the emotion.

It happens to all of us. This is why we must create that SPACE - it gives us just enough time and presence to respond instead of react.

Presence + awareness practice

• I learned a simple way to be present from a monk 6 months ago. Spend 15 seconds noticing… my space, the lighting, scents, what’s touching my skin, the air going in and out of my lungs. That’s it. I can do it anywhere, anytime and brings me right into the moment.
• By making the conscious decision to be aware in any given moment, I get better at being fully present. When I’m fully present, everything is easier. Everything is more enjoyable. I get out of my head and back to experiencing LIFE.
• Breathwork has been a cheat code for me. I love doing 4-7-8 breathing (inhale-hold-exhale) to calm and activate my parasympathetic nervous system (rest, digest, & rejuvenate). This is a physiological way to regulate emotions and feel centered.

And I always make sure I feel centered and still before exploring emotions.

It’s like I create a little nest of presence, stillness, & centeredness before doing this inner work.

Otherwise, it’d be trying to have a calm, reasonable conversation with someone who’s irate with a side of road rage.

Won’t happen.

Resources:

Books: Letting Go, Loving What Is, Rediscovering Life, Self Therapy, The Gifts of Imperfections, No Bad Parts, Think Like A Monk, Stillness Speaks

Guided meditations: Sara Blondin. She has tons of free tracks on Insight Timer.

Next week, I cover my playbook for Pillar 4: Spiritual.