Overcoming the External Validation Trap

🗣️ Quote of the Week:

"You are not what has happened to you. You are what you choose to become." – Carl Jung

I asked a guy via DM if there’s any topic he’d like me to write about this week.

He said “Sometimes I feel like positive reinforcement can help me stay grounded & confident. Other times I feel imposter syndrome if I don’t feel I’ve received enough external validation.”

Quite the predicament, but shows awareness by noticing this about himself.

So in this week’s dose, I talk about how to overcome the risks & rewards of wanting validation from others.

Encouragement and affirmation from a great teacher can be an amazing tool to remind us that we’re on the right path. 

But what if this validation comes from someone with an agenda? What if it comes from someone who expects something from us—like a boss, coworker, or partner?

It’s worth exploring…

What behaviors are being encouraged?

Are they trying to get us to do things a certain way?

Even more subtly, what beliefs are being reinforced about ourselves?

This is what we need to investigate to understand.

Consider these scenarios:

• "Good job for hitting quota." You're "good" from the perspective of someone who values meeting quotas.
• "Good job for getting straight A's." You're "worthy" in the eyes of someone who equates grades with worth.
• "Good job for taking out the trash." You're "valued" for performing a task.

There’s not anything inherently “wrong” with these. But we get into trouble when we allow our mind to think “accomplishing” these will enhance/prove/validate our self-worth.

Which then points to a deeply held belief like: “I’m not good enough unless___ (fill in the blank with whatever you want)”.

These beliefs don’t exist in a vacuum. They affect us under the surface whether at work or home - some areas trigger us more than others

Remember: Life’s job is to show us where we’re not free. Life is our curriculum, revealing where we still have work to do on the inside.

The real opportunity lies in exploring the parts of us that crave external validation. The part of us that learned, at some point, who we are isn’t enough.

The good news is having beliefs like this doesn’t make us defective, it makes us human. And part of our journey on earth is to do the WORK to transcend these limitations.

We often overlook the “good” reactions and focus only on the “bad” or “unwanted” ones. We never give praise a second thought, yet we ruminate on criticism or a lack of praise.

Both have something to teach us. They each point to a part of us that deeply seeks connection, love, understanding, and compassion.

How to get started:

The key is to notice. Notice the part of you that feels like an imposter without praise or the part that feels confident when you receive praise.

In that noticing, you’ll begin to understand what triggers your reaction (either way). It’ll help you understand where this belief came from and perhaps how you learned to behave this way.

You’ll understand what this belief is doing FOR you. How it’s protecting or helping you.

And how there’s a part of you behind it all that still feels like it needs protection.

Now we’re getting somewhere real.

With enough care & inquiry, you’ll learn what you need to give this part to heal.

Because this part doesn’t need more affirmation from your boss/lover/colleague.

It needs presence & love from YOU.

That’s it.

It takes time. There are layers to this game.

And it’s hard to go through.

But the transformation process requires you to go deeper within your awareness. To embrace all of your feelings like guilt, judgment, & shame... and love them anyway.

What I hear in his question is:

• How can I receive praise but not worry about the lack of it?
• How can I feel whole without constantly relying on others?
• How can I feel OKAY as I am?

It all begins with noticing.

And then you start investigating. Just be curious:

• When did I learn I needed praise to feel worthy?
• When did I learn who I AM isn’t good enough?
• Who taught me that? (consciously or unconsciously)
• Why did they believe that? Who taught THEM that (and so on)?
• What life experiences did they have that led them to think that way?
• Where would I need to stand or what perspective would I need to have in order to see that I’m worthy as I am?
• Is that even possible for me to consider at this moment?

One thing that’s helped me understand the absurdity of the mind is looking at interactions like this through the lens of physics…

The exchange of “verbal reinforcement” - vibrations move through the air from their mouth to your ears.

Then your brain takes those vibrations and interprets them to mean something. It then filters through a set of beliefs and determines what they mean about YOU and your worth.

See how slippery it gets? How silly it is?

And we’re the ones doing this to ourselves.

That’s the crazy part to me.

Not on purpose of course, but it’s an inside job.

So our first step to overcoming this is to calm the mind.

And the first step to do that is to practice noticing.

Observe. Witness.

In truth, you are already okay as you are.

And deep down you know this.

You were born as a being of pure light & innocence and somewhere in childhood you were taught you needed to behave a certain way by someone who was dealing with the same limited way of thinking that you’re trying to overcome right now…

Someone’s gotta break that cycle.

And I think you’re up for it.

Only then can you start to live free.

Your journey is about remembering your true nature letting go of the need for external validation.

Tim